You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
