I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize