Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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