i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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