I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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