I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
