First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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