is your mom at the bar?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
