Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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