Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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