I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
True college students do jello shots in the library
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
