im gay
i know
yea but for you.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
