she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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