i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
