Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
