Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize