u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
