I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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