i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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