Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
