somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
home. puking in laundry basket.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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