and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
