Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
