I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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