if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
