Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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