Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
