People in love make me want to vomit
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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