We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize
