i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
