Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
