everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize