Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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