Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we're making bets on your personal life
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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