I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
