My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
