We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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