Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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