Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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