I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
