Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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