So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
