the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
