I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
