he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
