Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Your penis caused this!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
