4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
