The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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