Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
