apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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