Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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