We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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