How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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