I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
