just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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