Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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