At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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