My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
