Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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