Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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