finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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