goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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