you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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