why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's like iHOP with fire
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
